...a 15 year old come home from a visit to the doctor , and was greeted by his 60 year old grandma. .....He says "Gramdma , look at my pills , they're labelled LSD !......Grandma replied "fuck ya pills , come and see the red and yellow polka-dot dragon dancing in the kitcken !!!..........
One for the Aussies..
The new Pope visits Sydney to rally the troops of Catholicism,
hes standing at the Opera House next to our less than popular Prime Minister Ms Julia Gillard, who tells him that Australia is a secular country, divided in many ways, and that Aussies can be fickle bastards.
The Pope says he can eternally unite all Australians of all ages and religions together in complete love for him with just a wave of his hand.
Julia scoffs at the suggestion and asks him to prove it
so he backhands her......
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.
Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950′s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O’Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move
all of them.
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and boat people. We’ll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.
You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we’ll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill
We’ll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.
We’ll keep “Waltzing Matilda” and our National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya”, “We Are The World” and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning.”
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student
PS. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd, and Jenny Macklin with you.
PSS. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country
Reply
one thing he aint joking and neither am i
cheers huie
cheers huie
now retired
pickering at his best haa''
[img_assist|nid=1074384|title=handbags|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=640|height=409]
cheers huie
now retired
http://www.currumbinwoodworks.com.au/
the worse thing that can happen to australia is become a country run by P.C., liberal, a-holes like the U.S. australia is like the USA was when i was a kid. don't let it go down the shitter like is happening here...
ps- i'm not joking...
Each child had to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral . . .
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had To bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
blah blah blah
This is my cousin's joke. Told to us at his funeral service the other day.
A rope goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "get out of here, I don't serve ropes". The rope goes outside and ties himself into a knot, then messes up the ends and goes back into the bar. The bartender says, aren't you the rope I just told to get out of here?" The rope replies "nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck . . .
. . . and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her butt began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her butt as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707 ....
blah blah blah
this is a surfboard
[img_assist|nid=1074390|title=surfboard|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=480|height=640]
cheers huie
now retired
[img_assist|nid=1074391|title=blank|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=480|height=640]this is a blank
theres more haa''
and it is not a joke
cheers huie
cheers huie
now retired
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